By Quinlan Morrigan
My personal passion? For me, it’s definitely writing and enjoying new books to read. New anime collection that I enjoy. Finding beautiful artworks that I can hang in my room and enjoy looking at when I look as how pretty they look under the morning sun rising over them. Finding new music to listen to that makes my body want to jump and down in excitement, or lie back on the couch staring at the ceiling listening to the beat, making me calm and relaxed, shutting my eyes and letting my brain travel with the music. But overall, it’s definitely writing.
And that’s always been something I’ve struggled with the longest. From a young age and different points in my life, I’ve always been struggling or battling with myself. Asking the same question over and over. “Do I want to be in writing?” “Do I actually want ot do this?” “Do I actually enjoy this?” “Would anyone actually like it?” “Do I even have the credentials to do this?” “Would anyone actually respect or care what I have to say?” or the biggest one that always hits me the most, and it’s always stuck in the back of my mind, “Are you actually good at it?”
And that always follows me the most and the longest, that always stays inside my mind like a ghost hanging around. It still haunts me. Always second-guessing myself. Always backtracking on myself. And always listening to that same voice. “You know you’re horrible at it? Why, even brother?” and I won’t deny that voice hurts the most, especially when it comes from yourself. And believe me, I’m my own worst critic and my own obstacle.
And there were times when I wrote ideas or did short stories or tried to write an actual plot, and tried to work with it more. Or get ideas or influences from television shows or movies I’ve watched, and then there’s a part of myself where I would get to a certain point, and I would just stop and say all the worst things inside my head, and I’ll never finish them. Or put them away on the shelf and never touch them ever again. And when I do, I hate how they sound. I hate the way I write. I hate the way how my dialogues for characters turned out. And it was a mess.
Saying all the mean and angry words, never the correct or cheerful ones. And I always picked at that like ax, and it was never a pretty sight. And I basically had to ignore the side that enjoys writing. The me that enjoys coming up with multiple topics and ideas, always coming up with something new and different. But I continue to ignore that me for so long drifting trying to figure out what I enjoy more than that? And I have enjoyed many things over time, but when it comes to writing, there’s just a passion behind it that I can’t deny that I enjoy. But unfortunately, I nit-pick, and it was the same rinse and repeat.
And then I started to fall and spiral into my own head, questioning or asking, “Should I be like everyone else?” “Should I write the same as everyone else?” and when I tried doing that,….it just made me hate it and stop doing that for a good while. And I really did. I think it was 5 years or longer, and I haven’t touched writing in so long that it left my mind completely. And didn’t even want to try ever again.
But when I was at a hard or broken part of my life that was draining and difficult, I needed a way to release or vocal my mind or words into something, and it did, coming up with different stories again and releasing things stuck inside my head. Because I was working at a job that was excruciating, exhausting, and draining, that felt like a prison. Forcing smiles and wanting people to like obedient robots. And my brain couldn’t take that. So, I would write short poems or title ideas again. And actually decided to write stories again, and I definitely felt a bit better, not all the way. But it was there, and writing that story helped. And then I kept tapping into it little by little. And then more so often. And then, when AI became more around, popping up left and right, and instead of doing what others did, putting themselves into the character they built. Instead for me I ran with what the story set up was and did it a bit differently. Like actually looking inside my head and piecing together characters. Figuring out their personalities, characteristics, attitudes, and style choices, like I actually rolled with that more. Instead of saying or thinking, If this were me, I’ll do this? But me tapping into my writing and thinking side, I’m always tapping in, okay, this would actually what they would say or do. Knowing the character I’ve created would act like this. And they don’t hold back from how they feel, and still know how to feel human. With sympathy, empathy, and full common sense. And when I continue doing that more I actually enjoy it more. And I would take the materials I’ve created and the ideas that were created from my mind, and I would flesh out characters more on who they are and what drives them to be who they are. And I’m still doing that as we speak.
And I enjoy that more each time I have an idea. I’ll sit with it and come up with more ideas, and I’ll work with it a lot or work with it briefly. And instead of forcing myself, I’ve had more creative intel tapping in more that makes me happy or excited about writing when I get a chance to do it.
Even though there’s still the annoying voice that always lingers inside, I try not to listen to it. And not listening to that pushed me more into it. Especially when a situation happened that I lost my job, and things continued going wrong. I’ve found motivation and passion just to finally say, “you know what… just go ahead and give writing a shot. You have nothing to lose, and your brain has been festering with so much. So, fuck it. Go ahead and write.” “Write how you feel.” “Write with all the pain and frustration you have. And go ahead and think outside the box.” “It might like be like everyone else. Or a few might actually like it or agree with it.” “But regardless, just write and just enjoy doing that.” and I did. And I’m still doing that. Even though mine’s a bit over chaotic, especially when I go on rants. But when I rant, it’s not being all over the place; it comes from a place that understands and observes too much. Or cares too much. It mostly comes from a person who can relate to so much and speak on the same things or topics overs oversimplifying? Or don’t express about much. And for me, I try to express myself as much to make sure that when I have a point, the reason and expression behind it.
I still have a passion for other things, but when it comes to writing, that’s my biggest passion of all. Even though I’ve felt like I have impostor syndrome. Or being a horrible critic to myself. I’m learning to be patient with myself and not be mean to myself. Because many of our great writers had to deal with multiple struggles to finally overcome obstacles. And if they didn’t, we would enjoy their stories today. So, I’m basically learning and taking a page out of their book.
Things might struggle here and there, but I have to remind myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. And there will always be struggles, but always remember the rules people have said that always make sense. “Always work with yourself. Instead of against yourself. But, you’re going to make it harder in the long run.” So, I might criticize myself occasionally, but not in a cruel way. More in readjustment. Figuring out do I need to add more or take away from it. And if anything, being me to myself less definitely makes me enjoy writing more now. Especially in a clearer and happier headspace. My writing might not be big or grand, but it’s the little things that make me happy, and I’m 100% okay with that.
Beautiful Enigmas 