Written By Quinlan Nightshade
“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” Carl Jung
From being at a point in my life where everything just didn’t make sense? Or me drowning inside my head? And I won’t deny it, exhausting dealing with oneself. And dealing with the weight of people around. Be it friends or co-workers. A job that would fire you when you put yourself first before them. Looking back on people from your past who would drain you completely and make you feel like you’re just crawling on the floor, just trying to make it.
Or just doom-scrolling on social media and watching the algorithm give you numbing content, just lying in bed and feeling either bad about? Or just a potato resting in bed? Or just zombie taking and scrolling endlessly? And I won’t deny I still do it occasionally. And I’m not judging others for it. It’s mostly just an me issues and nothing more. Or watching videos left and right, making you feel more afraid and concerned with how our future looks between the orange clown and his jester, making our life and future really leaning towards The Handmaid Tale. And can deny or ignore it. The whole thing is definitely scary. The way how our life is going through a scary turn makes your mind feel more like your stomach in knots.
So, with the way how everything was going on within myself and things around I decided to take a self-isolation step to help clear all the noise of the world and help me think more clearly. And mostly just to focus on myself, and mostly myself instead. And I don’t regret the choice.
Turning my phone’s communication off completely. No phone call. No text. Or social media, either. And I know most people would consider it: bad? Horrible choice? Why isolate yourself from people? And most people probably wouldn’t be okay or comfortable with being alone or isolated. And for me, being a millennial and growing up more in isolation than being around people. And I know most would question it. Or judge me about? Care, everyone has their own opinions, I have mine, especially since I’m writing about it. So do what you want.
But in my shoes, it helped me in many cases. Figuring out have you’ve grown tired of your friend group? Being happy and comfortable that you’re not close with your family anymore? Or trying to see if you isolate, will people either notice or care that you went silent?
And doing that for a month, and then going on a 63-day off-the-grid, and I don’t regret it. I actually enjoyed it. Because when you don’t give people your time and energy, it shows that most people don’t care about you when you’re gone. And I’m aware that life is busy and people have certain times and limitations. That yes people are going to be busy. But yet you can still give one moment just to send someone a text and say “Hey, I was thinking about you?” or call someone? Not like you have to call them every day? Or spamming their phone with messages. But showing the fact that they are on your mind, no matter what is going on. And recently checked my phone to check emails and other things and it showed me that that people that claim to care or care about you or wanting you to lean your ear to listen whatever they want to talk about and it me realize more that I shouldn’t even bother or waste my time or energy on them any more.
And coming to a more understanding of Carl Jung’s philosophy, that once you don’t make yourself available anymore than people will go ahead and show their true colors. That basically will open your eyes even more. And there were at least two people who actually sent me a text and actually showed that I was on their minds. Even though one of them has a child and has two jobs that they need to juggle and focus on. And still had to take care and worry about their family as well. And the other other is someone young, but we actually get along well, and we understand each other’s mental issues, they still manage to text me even with everything going on with them.
I want to say a third person, but they aren’t or consider a friend anymore after they told my manager to cut my vacation short just because they missed me at work and wanted me to come back. And when they did that, I don’t even want to consider them a friend or anything to me at all. I don’t even think associate is a proper word to use for them. So it just shows me who I should give my energy to? Or at least show up? Or actually to be loyal too. Receiving both. Because I don’t really ask much from people but yet?…certain people ask alot from me and I basically don’t have time for people and their bullshit anymore. So, going on that 63-day show me more things about myself and things I’m leaning to accept more. And learning to leave and let things go that, at this point in my life, I won’t tolerate anymore.
Plus, going into self-isolation, I’m doing a lot of self-work work both mental and inner body. Doing the shadow work of not wanting to hold onto a toxic environment. Friendships. And learning to be extremely more okay with not wanting to be around or near my own family. Because reality, I’m not close to them, and they only show up when they need something? Or like a cicada, only appearing every 17 years or more. And they are only good for that, nothing more. So, more reality with myself, I don’t care if I never see them again? Or being the sole survivor if they manage to disappear someday. Because I wouldn’t even care or even shed a tear either. If that makes me sound, then I guess it does. But it shows more that I’ve become detach from false issulions and bullshit. Most people grew up in families where they all grew up around each other. And others not so much. Myself included. And also do some deep mental thinking, and looking back on past memories of my family, they either enjoy treating certain people as favorites. In comparison, others become black sheep or become the barrel end of jokes and gossip. And really, my family isn’t good people either. Even though they try to one-up each other, I would rather not be around them ever again.
I might have their last name or might be blood related because of my mother. At the end of it all that don’t mean a goddamn thing to me and I disowned my family. So I would rather be alone and never rely upon or leave anything to them. So once I die, I’m not leaving a dam thing to them. So stuff. No money. Nothing. They deserve anything, and I don’t feel bad about that either.
And doing more inner work and clarity, I started to learn and get rid of the need for validation. From people, they gave me so little, while I gave so much. Or enjoy giving bread crumbs. Using the word “maybe” or trying to use me or control me for their own benefit and not mine.
And that has been weighing me down for so long, and also been stuck in the good girl or good friend mentality. Nobody didn’t cared about my own mentality or what was going on under the surface. So I started to lean more into the mental capacity of “fuck everyone else.” and mostly just focus on me, myself and I. and that has been more of a better choice for me and anything else.
Deleting Facebook. Deleting old photos of family and old friends who, in reality they never were to begin with. So, doing all that, I didn’t feel anything. No regret. No shame. I didn’t care about it anymore. Not to say I’m numb. More towards the fact that I’m done with certain things I’ve allowed. And not standing by them anymore. It’s more of a liberation instead. And trust me, it definitely was a liberation. And being in the state that I’m in now, it’s so better for me. I don’t miss my phone. I don’t miss calling people or texting. I don’t miss my social media apps. I don’t miss anybody for my past. No family. No old pictures. Or the people that once was in my life. I don’t even want to keep stuff that was given to me by certain people from the past. That makes me think about them. Changing my number. Shrinking my social even more smaller. I’m just done with so much bullshit of once I let happend or tolerated. And shedding old skin and putting up more walls and foundations of not allowing anything inside my energy. Because if they won’t take and don’t receive, then I don’t want or need them in my life at all. And if I had to be more isolated from people to think clearly, then I’ll continue doing it just for me, and me alone. Doing a month of quiet isolation. Or a year? I’ll continue to do it at my own pace, which actually helps me. And I even do more steps. I already put my phone on silent because people don’t call to actually have things, want to have a proper conversation, and only want me to be either a therapist friend. Or just vent when they want to have a boring conversation where I’ll just listen and end up falling asleep. So when I see the same name and people calling, they really don’t care about me; they want to make sure that things only fall on them. And I don’t even answer their call. Even stepping more into cutting out more noise. I put my phone on do not disturb and turn off all my notifications.
Because becoming aware of myself and starting to see people bullshit more and don’t want to deal with that anymore. I knew once I turned my phone off and didn’t give my energy away to people anymore. I knew people wouldn’t care or be concerned if I went off-grid for a while and looked at my phone. It sucks to being right but it gave the clarity and answer I need to see and I’m happy about that. My feelings aren’t hurt. I don’t feel angry or sad about it either. I’m more happier that I got the answer that I needed to know. So when I turn my phone back on. And unmute everything, and when I see the same people that I already expect from them? They are only getting 5% of my energy and nothing more. Or more not wasting my time going outside or hangout with them. And won’t even bother answering their phone call.
Even though I’m used to people coming and going from my life. It continues to show me that people don’t deserve to be in life at all. Even though when I was younger, it did bother me. But becoming more older and wiser, I’m happier and more comfortable of having fewer people in my life. Not in the Grinch or Ebenezer Scrooge way. I’m not angry or bitter. It’s more about why hurt yourself? Why sacrifice yourself of your time and energy on people who only want to use you? Control you. Drain you like a leech or energy vampire. Or only want to use you like a puppet or clown for their own enjoyment, and don’t care about you. Because once you’re done giving all that away. They’ll toss you to the side and only use you when they want something, or it’s only convenient for them. And you’re just left feeling like a deflated balloon? Or a battery on 1%. So it’s not about being bitter, it’s about being done wasting yourself away on people or places that don’t appreciate you in general.
Even though I’m jaded and apathetic. And I’m not going to deny that I don’t like or stand people at all. And I’m not ashamed of that either. Because I’m not a vindictive or malicious person either. Sure I’ll tell someone to fuck off. But it’s more on the fact that when you’ve been around people for so long and you can see and sense their true intentions. You’ve become so aware and already know that you don’t want to waste your energy on it at all. And people will get mad at you for it? Or talk shit behind your back or in your face? Even though to your face is a better choice, it will show that you’re not feeding them what they want you to feed them. And that bothers them more. Because you want to be actually nice to everyone, or so compassion? But people will continue acting mean and cruel and play it off like it’s something else. Or wanting to harm or laugh at you because you’re sincere and they are not.
And when you see that when you’re just being yourself, people will enjoy tearing you don’t just to stay there and never want you to get back up from it. And being surrounded by people like that, you learn that you don’t trust people easily, or not at all? For me, it’s fifty-fifty, and I won’t deny it. Even in the early stages of my life that it was mostly on the skeptical side about people. And now at my age, I’m happier and content, and I don’t trust people anymore.
It’s just more of a clear understanding that I’d rather be headache-free. And more mentally free from others because, having people just take from you and no ounce of them wanting to get it back or appreciate you for you being there for them. That, of course, over time, you will either be closed off completely? Or be very selective? I have definitely been on both options. But now leaning towards being both still, but heavily on selective and more reserved about it, more now. And to charge my energy for me and only me. Nobody else.
Because when I give my energy to the people, I don’t half-ass it. I give it my complete all. And that’s another thing people will enjoy, taking your giving your all completely, and they’ll act like animals in the jungle wanting to devour it all. Leaving nothing for you. So I’ve to become more wiser and more detached. But, I won’t deny or be ashamed of revealing myself. I have no shame in being myself. I have no shame in being comfortable just sitting and being inside my own skin and body.
And people made me feel like that for so long that I allowed myself to be stagnant, to be in my own mental prison, so long that I just felt like I was only on autopilot and just moving through the movements in life, ignoring my own thoughts. Feelings. Everything that felt like chains. That you felt like you were mentally asleep, not really awake to what you’re doing. As I always compare myself to a zombie. And I really did feel like that for so long that it became second nature, and I just let that happen and not think much of it.
So, going through isolation and doing the shadow work? It really did help me reflect on everything, and after telling so much about it. It’s clear shreds of evidence that it’s so worth it. Looking inside yourself. Looking inside your brain and sitting with things that you didn’t want to sit through. It’s going to feel uncomfortable, and you’re probably going to hate it. But it’s so worth it. Believe me, finally being able to actually wake up in your own body and mind and look back and analyze everything that you suppressed or locked away. And coming to terms with your inner demon and issues. It’s a fucking revelation. Doing the shadow work and sitting in the uncomfortable memories. I looked back on and everything and I literally ask myself, “Did I hate myself so much?” “Was I really that needy or desperate?” and the clear answer was that I had all the negative energy and hardships, or the betrayal that I received over and over again. Was mostly because people wanted to put all their negative energy and bullshit onto me. That I had to blame and question myself, or think it was me?
And I wish people would have taught me this a long time ago and told me what I should have learn then. But life is interesting and getting more you’ll learn from your past mistakes.
And I’m happy I learn from the past, and working and learning from doing the shadow work, and continue to dig inside myself more and more each day, and working to change and focus on myself more, especially with no phone distractions or people I know that only would drain me or make me fall asleep on them as they talk. And believe me, when you start to fall asleep or yawn when certain people you take too or around? That’s basically your body telling you that they’re draining or boring. So when your body does that, it’s a clear sign and warning. And trust me when I save my energy and don’t waste my energy sitting on the phone with them. I’m actually like a cat with the zoomies.
So isolating myself is helping me listen to my body more, and I’m 100% listening to my body more. I have more time and energy for myself and enjoy reading more often. Not letting Instagram or TikTok making me feel brain rot. Like thinking and looking at certain concepts for a more interesting reference, the video game Little Nightmares 2. And when you had the townspeople with the distorted faces, just looking at TVs with static or a broadcast transmission on the screens. And you see how they don’t move or look away from the screens. And for me personally, that is how I see it. With the rise of social platforms and people continue being famous on TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram. Even though people have already done that as well in the past with YouTube videos. Spending more time at home binge-watching TV and movies on whatever they have.
I’ve started to lean more on taking a break from that at times. Even though I enjoy doing that as well. I’ve started to make myself take breaks from watching TV. And grounding myself definitely helps my brain feel more relaxed and rested.
So, going on this mini journey in my own comfortable bubble really has helped me a lot. Even though in my past, part of me was scared of or hated that feeling of it. But there has always been a part of me that actually enjoyed it. There was even more a time when I would use it as a shield and never wanted to step out of it. But now I’m leaning more on stepping out when I need to be able to charge and cleanse my energy. Not being at a point where I’ll just want to shut myself away and never step out again. No! It’s more like I can go outside and enjoy as much as I want, if there are people, that’s fine. If there’s not? Even better. Going to the movies by yourself or watching something that you actually wanted to watch, not watching something that you didn’t want to watch. Or asking someone to go with, but they didn’t like your choice. So instead, just do things on your own instead. Even though, yes? You do want company or have someone to talk to for an interesting conversation. But if people flake on you, and yet you show up for them? At that point, just go ahead and put yourself first and enjoy it even more.
Because I hate in my past that certain people whom I poured my energy into only gave it back half. Or not nearly enough, and it should have been a time when I should have cut ties sooner rather than later. But again, that’s the many teachings life has taught me again. And Boi, I really have learn from that.
All those past memories and people that enter my life, having me think that they have your back when you always have theirs. It is the biggest eye-opening experience. Introduce you to certain people as lessons and remove them. At that point, you’re blaming and questioning everything that happened. And when you look back, you’re telling yourself, I’m actually happy that happened. Even more grateful that they or them aren’t in my life anymore.
So, looking at everything that I’m working through and changing within. I’m actually very grateful to myself for the self-isolation retreat, doing the work, wanting to change instead of being trapped and stagnant with what’s inside me. And it made me look at all the mess that was inside that needed so many changes, and I’m glad I’m doing it now. I know most people would go off the grid or travel somewhere for a year. But not for me. I just needed to take two months off just to think and reflect. Which was more effective than doing other things.
Mostly focusing my brain and body on doing some small activities or going back to things I enjoy, and ignoring the loud noises that hurts my brain and ears, and learning to tune out all the unnecessary sounds and just listen and focus on my own inner thinking and peace and my mind has made so much better changes from the inner work and I’ve become more different. More in tune with myself, and I really am. I’ve been thinking more on blog topics to write. Writing more ideas that come to my mind and tapping more into my mind between psychology and philosophy. Even though it might not be as grandiose as others, that is actually more awe-inspiring. But, for me, it’s mostly just the small things that I actually know how to flourish in.
It’s the small details that I know how to observe and give my own personal observation on what I see or know about. And those little things show me how much I’ve managed to tape in my own physique and show my knowledge, and show how I have an eye for certain details and the little things that others see the same way? Or ignore it completely? Mostly overall being completely happy and comfortable in being inside my own personal strengths and my weaknesses, with no shame. Guilt or remorse. Because everyone has the same thing or issues. Mostly for me and my own personal growth and issues basically showed me that I was stuck and blaming myself or hiding away, dwelling from my past that made me ignore it. Or shut myself away. So, now being in more a space where I’m not letting that hang over my head anymore because the me now is so different from the past. And people from my past just wanted me broken, and they want to make sure that you always stay there.
But I won’t. I won’t even allow myself to stay there at all. And every fiber in my body doesn’t want that at all, and I allow myself to be broken or stay broken from my past. Even though it’s sad, cold, and dark. It taught me a lot, and it taught me that you can be a normal and calm person throughout everything in the world; people will have an issue with that. And I’ve seen that with my own eyes. And experienced it all.
Even though most people claim that they’re normal, and the stuff that they do is normal. But, as you look at things more, you’re actually the real normal while others are the true weird and bizarre beings of the world. When someone else stands out from the rest and doesn’t do the same things they do, it enrage people and they can’t stomach it. And they never will. And I’m coming more okay that I’d rather have people who can’t stomach what I do or say. So I’m okay with being something people can’t stand because people like them will never be on my level. And they never will. Because working on myself for so much that I want to continue doing the work. Putting in the effort of my growth and continuing to watch things flourish with each step I take, and it’s actually working out in my favor. It might not be big or huge steps, but continuing to work each step and path little by little is more the correct steps and growth that will actually allow yourself to sit in your energy and be happy with those small little steps.
And looking back on my past more I would want to tell people in my group about my big accomplishments or share about certain things I changed. With them, you can see clearly as day that they really didn’t have my best interests when I told them about it. So now I’m very quiet lip about everything now. Also, in a more understanding way, like moving in silence. Moving in the shadows. Growing and evolving under the radar. So I’m not being open with everyone anymore. Conserving my own accomplishments and the achievements that I make. Because I’m not allowing toxic energy in my space anymore.
Going back, when I was talking about the Grinch and Scrooge. So I’m just focusing and giving my energy to the right people, and not to others who only want to siphon from me, but didn’t want to give me anything back. Nor kind encouragement. No happy energy. Or a bare minimum of stupidity, and I’m done with that. No, it’s not that I turned my bad on people. It’s just I’m turning my back on people and society that enjoys cutting down others and still blames them for it. I’m still going to be me; I’m just reading more people carefully.
And I know that it might sound like I’m turning my back on certain things and people. And yes, sometimes you have to put yourself first and save your own peace. I still believe in taking a chance on people and taking a chance on life and the endless things it will offer. I still believe in that, regardless of everything. For me, I have to read between the lines more carefully and read someone’s energy more correctly before letting energetic vampires try to come near me. Because I want my space to remain clean and energized, and I worked on myself for a long time, I don’t want to allow people like that ever again. So say what you want, but at the end of it all, you have to find different ways that can work for you, you and only you. And I definitely and I will continue to do so because each day is looking better and brighter than it was before. So I might still have regrets from the past, but I don’t regret wanting to work on myself more and showing up for myself when I showed up for them, so now I’m showing up for myself on time. while showing up late for others. Because if they expect you to go above and beyond for them and they don’t do the same for you, then it’s not worth it. And what I’m saying more is that if you have people with whom you both do an equal amount with each other, and nothing feels draining or exhausting. That’s where you know that your energy is not being siphoned off wrongly. And people will have someone that shows up as best as they can, and you’re still able to feel calm and peaceful from it. That’s real as well. Even though they might have something going on, and everybody does. It’s more on the fact that, regardless of whatever happened, there’s mutual understanding behind it.
But my point is that if you know someone or have been around someone, where it’s only cater to them and only them? And they only want your time and energy, and don’t want to reciprocate when you need them? Then that just shows you. They’re going to waste your time and energy and leave you feeling drained from it, so when that happens, cut them loose. Or only give a small amount of energy. Because they aren’t worth your energy at all.
So, doing my mini isolation is the best thing for me and my life. And I’m going to continue. And the best choice for me right now is to focus on my writing and nobody else.
So I’m going to continue being off the grid for another month, but the noise isn’t on my mind right now. Writing is on my mind. And I’ll still come up with topics or talk more about my own experiences. Because either way, I’m voicing my truths and bearing all things that people can also relate to. And continue to show the shadows that are being cleared to make each day a bit different and brighter.
Life will continue to be rocky and bumpy, but learning to change and adapt to the unforeseen bumps of each step and learning that I know how to clear each path and make it easier for me to walk with comfort and ease.
Beautiful Enigmas 