The spark of being Human
By Quinlan Morrigan
Have you ever felt like you’ve been in a deep slumber for so long, you forgot what it means to be awake? Like everything around you has been wrapped in a daze, turning into a blurring night, the sky was always painted in that gray-blue haze, like it’s stuck in a moment that never ends. You move, you speak, you function…. But you don’t feel. Until one day, you do. You wake up. And for the first time, it’s like your soul takes a breath. Suddenly, colors seem brighter. The wind touches your skin differently. The world hasn’t changed, but you have. And in that shift…. You begin to rediscover what it means to be alive. What it means to feel….what it actually means to be human.
That’s mostly how faith felt. Lying in her bed feeling, the breeze of the wind caressed her cheek, her window slightly ajar, open, she always enjoys the cold breeze with the sound of rain tapping against the glass. It always sounds therapeutic to her. The glooming sky always felt endless in her eyes… never seemed to change. Always felt things stay in a dark, endless loop, the sky staying the same. The outside noise felt muffled and muted. Feeling her body as if in a coma state of mind. She was living and breathing being, in motion and moving. Stepping out into life, but she never felt like she was actually inside her body. Just breathing and moving, nothing more.
Every time she closes her eyes, she feels like she’s a corpse just lying there, nothing more. Like a void. It never changes, thinking when she’s asleep, she probably feels cold and lifeless. Covered in dust and webs, preserving her body stuck in time that never changed. Like volcanic ash over her. Cold and lifeless. She doesn’t even remember how to dream… .. or remember when the last time she actually had a dream. Every time she closes her eyes, it’s nothing. No fragments. No hazy memories. Pure void. Nothing. And the scary thought it never bothered her, never a thought in her mind. Like an empty vessel that doesn’t feel anything. Her black eyes always looked in a state of hypnosis. Her eyes were soulless and dull. No joy. No warmth. No…soul. Just empty. Feeling like she slept for thousands of years or longer. Just still in one pose against the fabric of the sheets. Feeling dead to the world. That’s actually how she felt.
Dead, like her soul disappeared. Feeling like her soul passed on without her leaving her behind. Feeling like a robot in human flesh. She never smiled. Her bags under her eyes were dark and deep. Seeing the dark complexion became a permanent mark. But all through the numbness and emptiness, she doesn’t even remember when she laughed or smiled. The reflection her the mirror reflected back what she sees? And she doesn’t even hate it or questions it…no facial expression. No mouth movement.
But the more horrifying thing about it? Her heart barely beats…. Placing her hand over her chest and it’s always low and steady. Never rises above a mark. Even her pulses are low. Wanting to imagine her reflection looking back with a twisted grin, having the mirror shattered to pieces, but even then her imagination doesn’t even rise from a level of fear.
Asking herself …. ..Am I broken?… .. or Am I even human?.. … her own questions always haunted her, wanting to know her own truth but nothing more. Most people have nightmares from fears or trauma. Faith couldn’t even have nightmares, never waking up from a cold sweat or screaming from something unimaginable. Her brain always felt muted, even when it never turns off. Is this…what death and dying feels like?… .. why can’t I feel?.. .. .Am I dead? Am I even Alive?.. .. Do I not have a soul? Emotions or feelings?…. Do I…even have a heart…. her body feels so cold and hollow. No twitch, no movement. Steady breathing, steady pulse, her body lying perfectly still, with her arms and hands by her side. Cold. composed. And silent to the world.
The void is the only thing she knows. Like a quiet lullaby. Thinking this will forever be the only thing she’ll know. This empty feeling will be the only thing she’ll ever feel and understand, knowing nothing will change. And this will be the only thing she will forever be in life… but somehow that was never the case. Her fingers slightly twitched, lying on her side, feeling warmth on her skin. Slowly opening her eyes with a groggy sound, her eyes try to adjust, seeing a faint warm amber color. The sky wasn’t gray-blue this time. Seeing orange slowly turn more vibrant, opening her eyes more, as her room wasn’t gray anymore. It was bright and orange. Confused about why the color of the sky looks different. This never happened before. The sky has never been like this. The sun was too bright as it beamed into her eyes, making her flinch, and she blocked it with her hands.
Slowly stepping from her bed, she saw the sun becoming brighter. From orange to yellow, it made her confused, and it made everything pretty and shine. Opening her window fully, water drips from the window from last night. Everything was still wet, but everything had a warmth to it. Confused as she saw this new color, a small sparrow landed on her window seal, chirping. … What is going on? What is all this?…. Everything was confusing her, watching the small bird fly away and seeing a faint rainbow in the sky. Somehow, she was looking at a world that was completely different from something she once knew.
To be continue…..
Beautiful Enigmas 
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